Friday, September 7, 2007

WE Relationships - Rules of Engagement 2: If Yuh Cyah Stand de Diggin...

by Niama S. Sandy

You know you got what I want. You know you got what I need. I need somebody to work it. Some one who knows how to flex it… "Head Gone" Krosfyah

For some, casual sex is as easy as flipping a switch to turn on the light in a room. For many others it's a harder line to draw. You think you can handle it but only after trial and dismal failure do you know for certain when you can't. There are a million and one situations that can lead to less than favorable outcomes for parties involved in what was supposed to be a strictly sexual relationship. It's one thing when it's made plain from the jump that all that will be exchanged are body fluids and someone breaks the established rules. But is a wholly different set of cards when you are hoodwinked into thinking you are involved in a non-existent relationship. Don't feel bad. It happens to the best of us. Even me!

Some time ago, I met a fella whom we shall refer to as Mike. Though Mike wasn't the most attractive of those who tried to holler that night, what he lacked in looks he made up for in swagger. Warning number one: turns out his name was not Mike at all but it was Ernest (names have been changed to protect the trifling). He claimed he screens people and so he does not tell just anyone his name. I suppose that makes sense and that I should have felt honored? We went out on a few dates, and despite his earlier shenanigans I was really digging him - but of course the other shoe had to drop. Oh and did it!

So on a Monday evening Ernest picks me up for dinner. As we're about to get out of the car, he turns to me and asks that we not hold hands in public anymore because he does not want any friends of his girlfriend (who in all prior conversations was referred to as his ex-girlfriend) to see and tell. So I looked at him and said that I hoped he realized that there was going to be a bunch of things that didn't happen anymore either - in public or otherwise.

Now had this been a situation where I was completely aware of exactly what I was getting into - not-so-ex-girlfriend and all - perhaps I would have reacted differently. The thing that bothered me was that he didn't tell me the truth. And real talk…the sex wasn't good enough for me to even consider putting up with the drama.

So, the moral of the story for those who have mastered or plan on venturing into the art of casual sex is respect your partner enough to tell the full story. Let that person decide if they want to do the dirt with knowledge of all the variables. Don't surprise people – finding out your "mate" has a "mate" when you think you're the only one is not a turn on. One could make the argument that what someone doesn't know can't hurt them, but in this world if I know one thing to be true - what is done in the dark always comes to light.

This brings us to our Rules for the month...

1. Be up front. Let your partner know exactly what he/she is getting into. Let it be clear what you want and what you are willing to give.

2. Make sure you are ready. You can swear you can deal with the consequences of your actions from now 'til people stop missing rent payments to pay down on mas costumes (which will probably never happen); but the truth is, saying it, doesn't mean anything. If you can't stand the heat, step out of the kitchen before yuh get bun!

3. Get what yuh came to get and be done. The more time you spend around your partner the more you will either dislike or like them. Neither of these things work to your advantage. Ladies and gentlemen, let the thing be what it is, don't try to make this person your new best friend.

4. Wrap it up. While all of this sex may be great, what's even greater is your health. Please use protection at all times.

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