By Niama S. Sandy
Ladies and gentlemen, the developments of the Expect the Unexpected installment of The Rules have warranted a continuation!
Cara and Danny continued to date and hang out. He even invited to her to one of his soccer matches. At the match he gave her his coat to hold. Inside of the coat was Danny’s phone; it kept ringing and buzzing and making all manner of noises. Eventually, Cara got tired of hearing the thing go off. She looked at the phone and she noticed it was an unsaved number that kept calling. In glancing at the call history she noticed that her number wasn’t saved in the phone either. Interests peaked; Cara did a little further investigation and looked at Danny’s message inbox. “I can’t wait to see you either baby, I love you too” from Miss Missed Call. Interesting…very interesting…But Cara decided that she wasn’t going to pay it any mind. They hadn’t made any proclamations of undying love and faithfulness so what’s the big deal, right?
Fast forward one week. Danny is taking a shower and Cara happens to be in the bathroom. The shower curtain in the bathroom is clear. She happened to glance in the direction of the shower. She noticed that there seemed to be an extra stream of liquid from the direction opposite the showerhead. Ladies and gentleman, the man was taking a leak in the woman’s shower!
Cara drew back the shower curtain and asked Danny what it is he was doing. He said he was peeing. She looked down and noticed that he had been peeing on her washcloth and told him so. (When I heard this I swear it was some kinna obeah situation!) He did not apologize, or reach for the thing to wash it off. I suppose that would have been too decent a thing for him to do. What he did do was tell her was that it was “all going the same place anyway.” Could you imagine? Had that been me, the hardest, nearest object would have been hitting him in the wettest spots on his body! A stinging for all seasons! But I digress…needless to say that was the last we heard of Danny, both the washcloth and his number were erased from Cara’s world.
So our Rules for the month…
“You can always count on people to be themselves.” A friend of mine once told me that and it is always true. When you think you know someone somewhere along the way they will show you their true face. Don’t turn a blind eye…believe them and let your feet do the talking. Don’t be a fool for anyone who will not be a fool for you.
Only pee in your own shower. If you are one of those people who does that, doh go in nobody house and do it. And okay if you for some reason can’t wait, at least wash de bathtub after!
Showing posts with label WE Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label WE Relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
WE Relationships - Rules of Engagement
By Niama S. Sandy
Expect the unexpected?
You're walking out the door and you realize you don't have your keys. You rummage and rummage, creating an even bigger mess than what may have already existed in your house and still after 20 minutes you got NOTHING. You sit down and decide you ain't goin no where again. You feel something poking you yuh look…it's your keys. But you still don't want to go anywhere. What does it all mean?
How many times have you decided that you were going to stop looking for "it," when the universe seems to align perfectly and the ever-elusive "it" finds you? In the quest to quench our thirsts for companionship we are often met with appetizers. How do you tell the difference between the first and third course? And with that I give you our anecdote for the month.
I have a female friend, we'll call her Cara. Cara, like me, often has frustrating (though, again like me, often wildly entertaining) encounters with males. From the man she was with who wasn't trying to move out of his parents' house, to the medical resident fella she met on Yahoo personals, it was one messy situation after another. Fortunately, this woman is one of the strongest and most resilient people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. With that in mind she decided a break from the disorder and disappointment was in order. Fast forward to two months after that decision; a friend invited her to his house warming. Also invited to this housewarming was a man the host wanted her to meet.
Interestingly and perhaps by providence, this man does not show. While Cara is standing in the doorway of the kitchen talking to the host, another man enters the kitchen. As he walked into the room, they locked eyes – okay maybe his eyes locked on to her behind. The host introduced them. They started to talk. They chatted for the rest of the party, went to an after party after that, exchanged numbers and chatted on the phone for five hours after that. They went out the day after that. For the next week, Danny was calling or trying to hang out with Cara every day. Though she liked him, she began to feel like he was trying to push her into relationship prematurely. As right as it felt, to a degree something just wasn't right. Should she ignore her instincts and go ahead anyway? Time will reveal…to be continued
The rule on engagement for this story…Patience is a virtue. In today's society there are countless ways that we try to expedite the process of finding a mate. From the million and one social networking websites to the ever-popular blind date, we are constantly trying to speed up another one of life's processes that happens in its own time. When it's time for it to happen it will happen. No amount of rushing it - or for some of us fighting it - will make life easier.
Expect the unexpected?
You're walking out the door and you realize you don't have your keys. You rummage and rummage, creating an even bigger mess than what may have already existed in your house and still after 20 minutes you got NOTHING. You sit down and decide you ain't goin no where again. You feel something poking you yuh look…it's your keys. But you still don't want to go anywhere. What does it all mean?
How many times have you decided that you were going to stop looking for "it," when the universe seems to align perfectly and the ever-elusive "it" finds you? In the quest to quench our thirsts for companionship we are often met with appetizers. How do you tell the difference between the first and third course? And with that I give you our anecdote for the month.
I have a female friend, we'll call her Cara. Cara, like me, often has frustrating (though, again like me, often wildly entertaining) encounters with males. From the man she was with who wasn't trying to move out of his parents' house, to the medical resident fella she met on Yahoo personals, it was one messy situation after another. Fortunately, this woman is one of the strongest and most resilient people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. With that in mind she decided a break from the disorder and disappointment was in order. Fast forward to two months after that decision; a friend invited her to his house warming. Also invited to this housewarming was a man the host wanted her to meet.
Interestingly and perhaps by providence, this man does not show. While Cara is standing in the doorway of the kitchen talking to the host, another man enters the kitchen. As he walked into the room, they locked eyes – okay maybe his eyes locked on to her behind. The host introduced them. They started to talk. They chatted for the rest of the party, went to an after party after that, exchanged numbers and chatted on the phone for five hours after that. They went out the day after that. For the next week, Danny was calling or trying to hang out with Cara every day. Though she liked him, she began to feel like he was trying to push her into relationship prematurely. As right as it felt, to a degree something just wasn't right. Should she ignore her instincts and go ahead anyway? Time will reveal…to be continued
The rule on engagement for this story…Patience is a virtue. In today's society there are countless ways that we try to expedite the process of finding a mate. From the million and one social networking websites to the ever-popular blind date, we are constantly trying to speed up another one of life's processes that happens in its own time. When it's time for it to happen it will happen. No amount of rushing it - or for some of us fighting it - will make life easier.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
WE Relationships – Rules of Engagement: Dating Etiquette…
By Niama S. Sandy
As it is a New Year let us truly start anew! Just as the New Year brings endless new possibilities, so do new relationships. When it goin good yuh have de bliss and de excitement but there’s always the chance that it can go terribly wrong before you’re really out of the gate. In true Rules of Engagement fashion I will prove my case with a story…
Some months back I met a man – let’s call him Courtney. We went once; he paid- only indicating his intent to do so after I pulled out my own money. A few weeks later, I had passes to an event. I invited him. He replied “Sure, could you treat to dinner?”
Honestly, I had a deer-in-the-headlights moment. I know this a new era for women and all; nowadays a woman can pay on a date but here’s the thing: don’t ask me to!
Then I thought about it again. Depending on your thought processes there is an argument to be made that he could have been 1) just being honest and open or 2) testing me. I decided to put my schema aside and go with it; so I finally said “Sure why not.”
So I tell him what time to get there. A little after the appointed time, Courtney calls – “I will be there in 10 minutes.” Twenty minutes later this one waltzes in, his breathe smelling like I don’t even know what and furthermore now a half an hour late. He was already pushing his luck with the “can you treat” thing; this lateness was kicking it into overdrive. Needless to say there hasn’t been another excursion.
So our Rules for the New Year…
1. Look your best!
You may call me superficial but hear me out. For me, looking “your best” translates to emanating confidence and being inviting. Make sure yuh doh have no lint in yuh hair or nuttin so.
2. Be on time!
Hell be a few minutes early! Your lateness can read as your complete disregard for the time of others. If you know you’re going to be late – call!
3. Put the Crackberry down!
In today’s world there are so many things that fracture our attention into a million little pieces. The incessant texting, e-mailing, and whatever else your device of distraction does can go on hold for the next couple of hours. There is nothing worse than hearing “One More Time” come blasting out of your date’s phone when in the middle of a conversation. It may be exceedingly difficult but try giving your date your full attention.
4. Mind your manners.
Common courtesy seems to be something that’s lacking in many everyday interactions; fill that void. Gentleman: stand when she gets up to go to the bathroom, take off your hat when you enter her house, open her door - and my personal old-fashioned favorite – make sure she walks on the inside of the street. Ladies: laugh at his jokes!
As it is a New Year let us truly start anew! Just as the New Year brings endless new possibilities, so do new relationships. When it goin good yuh have de bliss and de excitement but there’s always the chance that it can go terribly wrong before you’re really out of the gate. In true Rules of Engagement fashion I will prove my case with a story…
Some months back I met a man – let’s call him Courtney. We went once; he paid- only indicating his intent to do so after I pulled out my own money. A few weeks later, I had passes to an event. I invited him. He replied “Sure, could you treat to dinner?”
Honestly, I had a deer-in-the-headlights moment. I know this a new era for women and all; nowadays a woman can pay on a date but here’s the thing: don’t ask me to!
Then I thought about it again. Depending on your thought processes there is an argument to be made that he could have been 1) just being honest and open or 2) testing me. I decided to put my schema aside and go with it; so I finally said “Sure why not.”
So I tell him what time to get there. A little after the appointed time, Courtney calls – “I will be there in 10 minutes.” Twenty minutes later this one waltzes in, his breathe smelling like I don’t even know what and furthermore now a half an hour late. He was already pushing his luck with the “can you treat” thing; this lateness was kicking it into overdrive. Needless to say there hasn’t been another excursion.
So our Rules for the New Year…
1. Look your best!
You may call me superficial but hear me out. For me, looking “your best” translates to emanating confidence and being inviting. Make sure yuh doh have no lint in yuh hair or nuttin so.
2. Be on time!
Hell be a few minutes early! Your lateness can read as your complete disregard for the time of others. If you know you’re going to be late – call!
3. Put the Crackberry down!
In today’s world there are so many things that fracture our attention into a million little pieces. The incessant texting, e-mailing, and whatever else your device of distraction does can go on hold for the next couple of hours. There is nothing worse than hearing “One More Time” come blasting out of your date’s phone when in the middle of a conversation. It may be exceedingly difficult but try giving your date your full attention.
4. Mind your manners.
Common courtesy seems to be something that’s lacking in many everyday interactions; fill that void. Gentleman: stand when she gets up to go to the bathroom, take off your hat when you enter her house, open her door - and my personal old-fashioned favorite – make sure she walks on the inside of the street. Ladies: laugh at his jokes!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
WE Relationships - Do What I Say!
by Niama Sandy
Taking instruction is one of the things that is paramount throughout our education process- from primary school to the university level. So why is that it's oh so difficult for so many people to do it in the bedroom?
I don't know how many times friends have recounted incidents of sad encounters to me. For instance, years ago, one of my male friends - bless his little Bajan heart - told me of an experience in which he repeatedly made a woman think someone was walking into the room that they were having sex in - thus making her rise and fall as opposed to the rocking action that she was engaging in. It may sound like a mamaguy based on the amount of gall and interest in exhibitionism required for such an act – a. Considering that this was a semi-public space that someone could have walked into and b. Visualizing the possibility that she didn't figure out what he was making her do - but my friend is a bold sort of fella so it's actually pretty reasonable for him.
At least the woman in our last example could take instruction (however underhanded the manner in which they were given), some people just can't follow directions. According to several reports, for some reason many men seem to think nipples are like thumbs and lollipops and can just be sucked accordingly. As a public service announcement to the world's men from all the world's women: they are delicate, sensitive appendages; please treat them as such! There is a human being on the other side of that breast and I hate to break it to you but she may not be enjoying what you're doing.
All comedy aside, is it that people really think that what they've done with one partner will work for every person that they ever encounter? That is utter nonsense. It is a given that in the beginning of any relationship you get to know your partner. That "getting-to-know-you" process should extend to getting to know what does or does not physically gratify this person. If you're letting someone into that part of your space why not take the time to turn and ask two simple questions: what do you like? and how do you like it? If you don't ask it could mean sentencing yourself to an indefinite period of protracted sessions (not in the good sense), faked noises and, worse yet, " what the hell are you doing?" facial expressions and if the person is bold or annoyed enough they might just ask you.
So now for this month's rules:
1. Be Gentle in giving your directions. Try your best not to make your partner feel as though they are inept. Make sure that they understand that you are enjoying being with them but that you could possibly enjoy it a bit more if they tried it a different way.
2. Be Open to trying new things. Push the envelope a little, make your relationship interesting and take a step into the unknown. But granted, everyone has a comfort zone and sometimes the "unknown" can be too unknown. Scenario: Your mate wants to be choked and slapped during intercourse. You're not exactly comfortable with this; what do you do? Do you indulge just to save face or do you tell them that you're uncomfortable doing it? Everyone has boundaries and if you feel that yours have been compromised say so. Try not to completely crush your mate's hopes; if they cared enough to ask you why not try working your way up to it, you might like it.
3. Be Grateful! If your companion is really giving you rope, try your best not to hang yourself with it. Give your partner the gift of trying some thing that they might like to show your appreciation.
Taking instruction is one of the things that is paramount throughout our education process- from primary school to the university level. So why is that it's oh so difficult for so many people to do it in the bedroom?
I don't know how many times friends have recounted incidents of sad encounters to me. For instance, years ago, one of my male friends - bless his little Bajan heart - told me of an experience in which he repeatedly made a woman think someone was walking into the room that they were having sex in - thus making her rise and fall as opposed to the rocking action that she was engaging in. It may sound like a mamaguy based on the amount of gall and interest in exhibitionism required for such an act – a. Considering that this was a semi-public space that someone could have walked into and b. Visualizing the possibility that she didn't figure out what he was making her do - but my friend is a bold sort of fella so it's actually pretty reasonable for him.
At least the woman in our last example could take instruction (however underhanded the manner in which they were given), some people just can't follow directions. According to several reports, for some reason many men seem to think nipples are like thumbs and lollipops and can just be sucked accordingly. As a public service announcement to the world's men from all the world's women: they are delicate, sensitive appendages; please treat them as such! There is a human being on the other side of that breast and I hate to break it to you but she may not be enjoying what you're doing.
All comedy aside, is it that people really think that what they've done with one partner will work for every person that they ever encounter? That is utter nonsense. It is a given that in the beginning of any relationship you get to know your partner. That "getting-to-know-you" process should extend to getting to know what does or does not physically gratify this person. If you're letting someone into that part of your space why not take the time to turn and ask two simple questions: what do you like? and how do you like it? If you don't ask it could mean sentencing yourself to an indefinite period of protracted sessions (not in the good sense), faked noises and, worse yet, " what the hell are you doing?" facial expressions and if the person is bold or annoyed enough they might just ask you.
So now for this month's rules:
1. Be Gentle in giving your directions. Try your best not to make your partner feel as though they are inept. Make sure that they understand that you are enjoying being with them but that you could possibly enjoy it a bit more if they tried it a different way.
2. Be Open to trying new things. Push the envelope a little, make your relationship interesting and take a step into the unknown. But granted, everyone has a comfort zone and sometimes the "unknown" can be too unknown. Scenario: Your mate wants to be choked and slapped during intercourse. You're not exactly comfortable with this; what do you do? Do you indulge just to save face or do you tell them that you're uncomfortable doing it? Everyone has boundaries and if you feel that yours have been compromised say so. Try not to completely crush your mate's hopes; if they cared enough to ask you why not try working your way up to it, you might like it.
3. Be Grateful! If your companion is really giving you rope, try your best not to hang yourself with it. Give your partner the gift of trying some thing that they might like to show your appreciation.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
WE Relationships – Rules of Engagement: To Thine Own Self Be True
By Niama S. Sandy
Idleness is a hell of a thing! Coupled with curiosity, it can be even worse. So now you have nothing to do and the desire to do basically anything. Enter member of the opposite sex, who you find interesting on several levels. You develop your friendship but then your relationship begins to morph into something you don't quite recognize. You begin to question yourself. Where do you draw the line between settling and compromise? Are they really different? Where does give-and-take end? How much does knowing what you want factor into what you're willing to concede?
For this installment of the Rules, I'm going to switch gears a little bit. This is probably the first of many times when I will paint myself as sacrificial lamb...or goat- whichever does take curry/jerk best. This month there will be no "rules," ah just want yuh eyes.
A few years ago I developed a friendship with a man whom we shall call Xavier. Literally one of the most intelligent, nice and downright hysterical people I know. After six months, I somehow managed to change the course of our relationship from a platonic one with a little tension to a friend-with-benefits sort of thing, which that at that time was an altogether unfamiliar phenomenon for me. My first physical experience with X was decent - nothing inherently life-altering about it. Round two was quite awhile in coming…something was always coming up. I got tired of being placed on the back burner; as a result, we fell out. Some months later we reconnected, and round two finally ensued. When it did happen, honestly, it was slightly disappointing. Granted people have off days, and you say to yourself (and to this person) that you will give it another go. More time passes.
Take three…same deal…more disappointment… I was putting in some serious work - giving in to the man's every whim. I wasn't disappointed because I was walking into it with aspirations of having an out-of-body experience - it was because I mistakenly expected my partner to completely reciprocate and care about what I wanted. I'm give-give-giving, he's take-take-taking and I find myself wishing and hoping to feel some semblance of an orgasm.
Obviously I don't believe in the three strikes rule…so another "interesting" experience…no phone call. Why am I still doing this? I DON'T KNOW! What am I really getting out of this situation? A couple of laughs? A conversation if I'm lucky…
Eventually, my passive aggression builds up and bubbles over and I resolutely decide that I'm going to nip this thing in the bud. I make reference to the way I feel about his "not-calling," and him not doing whatever else he's not doing. The man tells me to respect his time – and he not so delicately - explains that that was a part of the reason that he is hesitant about me to begin with.
Idleness is a hell of a thing! Coupled with curiosity, it can be even worse. So now you have nothing to do and the desire to do basically anything. Enter member of the opposite sex, who you find interesting on several levels. You develop your friendship but then your relationship begins to morph into something you don't quite recognize. You begin to question yourself. Where do you draw the line between settling and compromise? Are they really different? Where does give-and-take end? How much does knowing what you want factor into what you're willing to concede?
For this installment of the Rules, I'm going to switch gears a little bit. This is probably the first of many times when I will paint myself as sacrificial lamb...or goat- whichever does take curry/jerk best. This month there will be no "rules," ah just want yuh eyes.
A few years ago I developed a friendship with a man whom we shall call Xavier. Literally one of the most intelligent, nice and downright hysterical people I know. After six months, I somehow managed to change the course of our relationship from a platonic one with a little tension to a friend-with-benefits sort of thing, which that at that time was an altogether unfamiliar phenomenon for me. My first physical experience with X was decent - nothing inherently life-altering about it. Round two was quite awhile in coming…something was always coming up. I got tired of being placed on the back burner; as a result, we fell out. Some months later we reconnected, and round two finally ensued. When it did happen, honestly, it was slightly disappointing. Granted people have off days, and you say to yourself (and to this person) that you will give it another go. More time passes.
Take three…same deal…more disappointment… I was putting in some serious work - giving in to the man's every whim. I wasn't disappointed because I was walking into it with aspirations of having an out-of-body experience - it was because I mistakenly expected my partner to completely reciprocate and care about what I wanted. I'm give-give-giving, he's take-take-taking and I find myself wishing and hoping to feel some semblance of an orgasm.
Obviously I don't believe in the three strikes rule…so another "interesting" experience…no phone call. Why am I still doing this? I DON'T KNOW! What am I really getting out of this situation? A couple of laughs? A conversation if I'm lucky…
Eventually, my passive aggression builds up and bubbles over and I resolutely decide that I'm going to nip this thing in the bud. I make reference to the way I feel about his "not-calling," and him not doing whatever else he's not doing. The man tells me to respect his time – and he not so delicately - explains that that was a part of the reason that he is hesitant about me to begin with.
Talk about a revelation! Respect his time?!?!? Nah dread!!! He couldn't possibly be serious! Was I calling him everyday? I don't even call my mother everyday let alone someone who was giving me an occasional orgasm. That was the last straw. How much of myself had I conceded by indulging with this man (though sometimes I wonder how much of it was his and how much of it was my indulgence). Considering the amount of energy and time I wasted with X, one of the first things that I consider is the number of potentially great relationships I missed out on - vexing, at best. Not for nothing, there were a few moments with X when I was pleased to the point of not knowing what to do with myself, but these segments of our "relationship" were not in the majority. I would much rather consistency…
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
WE Relationships - Rules of Engagement: What a tangled web we weave…
By Niama S. Sandy
Because of human nature, boredom, morbid (and sometimes other types) curiosity, we indulge in things we have absolutely no business being involved in. Examples you say? How many times have you given someone yuh know yuh eh have no business looking at yuh number and then when he/she calls and becomes a stalker yuh want to kick yuhself? Two? Three? Twenty?
Yuh already know ah have a story fuh yuh…
One night I was out with a girlfriend of mine. We'd been at the spot for awhile, when a gentleman - whom we shall call Jack- begins talking to my friend. Holding big conversation about his twin daughters and all kinna ting. He bought us both a drink each, and still he hasn't said more than three words to me - not that I minded as I didn't find him particularly engaging or handsome.
Eventually we say our goodbyes and hit a next spot. By chance or the misguided hand of fate, of all people who could be parked in front of us…it's Jack. He asked for my number. Yes, I said my number. I didn't understand it but he "explained" that he was shy and didn't know how to approach me (no, that doesn't make any sense to me either). So out of curiosity, and because at this point I'd probably had way more to drink than I should have, God help me, I give the man my number.
He calls the next day, and the day after, and the day after. Finally, the following week he catches me. Though I knew I was to meet up with someone for a drink later that night, I let Jack convince me into dropping in to his friend's house - this friend's father just passed away. I explain that I had a long day (which was true), an even longer one the following day, and that I thought it vaguely inappropriate for me to be visiting at such a time. He said "Just come by! I will take you home when you're ready. Just tell me when."
I arrived at Jack's friend's house at about 9:30. Jack and his friends are all from Africa and they're all speaking English and a little of their languages. The friend whose father passed is the host and is preparing fish for us- his guests. It's now 10:45. I am beyond tired, Jack has just said that we should go to Africa in December, and that he has the aforementioned twins' names tattooed over his heart and (supposedly jokingly) that he is going to put mine on the other side of his chest. It's time for de I to go HOME! I tell him so. He is gracious, or so he had me think. "You can't leave! In our culture, if you leave before allowing the host to serve you, it's basically like saying @%&$ you!" says my host. The others echo his sentiments and Jack stays quiet and does not move an inch. If I wasn't convinced before that moment that Jack was not the chap for me, then that comment acted as the mortar to cement my decision to officially give jack back he jacket!
Our rules for the month…
1. Go with your gut. Enough said…
2. "May be he/she'll grow on me."
This is not the framework to be working in. If you aren't interested right at the beginning there's a 98% chance you won't be. Why browbeat yourself into liking someone? You know what you like, use that as your compass.
3. "Does this person have a backbone?"
There is a difference between being reasonable, being a pushover, and pretending to be nice. Feigning "niceness" is a sure fire way to get someone into a faux comfort zone. Beware of all potential chain-ups
Because of human nature, boredom, morbid (and sometimes other types) curiosity, we indulge in things we have absolutely no business being involved in. Examples you say? How many times have you given someone yuh know yuh eh have no business looking at yuh number and then when he/she calls and becomes a stalker yuh want to kick yuhself? Two? Three? Twenty?
Yuh already know ah have a story fuh yuh…
One night I was out with a girlfriend of mine. We'd been at the spot for awhile, when a gentleman - whom we shall call Jack- begins talking to my friend. Holding big conversation about his twin daughters and all kinna ting. He bought us both a drink each, and still he hasn't said more than three words to me - not that I minded as I didn't find him particularly engaging or handsome.
Eventually we say our goodbyes and hit a next spot. By chance or the misguided hand of fate, of all people who could be parked in front of us…it's Jack. He asked for my number. Yes, I said my number. I didn't understand it but he "explained" that he was shy and didn't know how to approach me (no, that doesn't make any sense to me either). So out of curiosity, and because at this point I'd probably had way more to drink than I should have, God help me, I give the man my number.
He calls the next day, and the day after, and the day after. Finally, the following week he catches me. Though I knew I was to meet up with someone for a drink later that night, I let Jack convince me into dropping in to his friend's house - this friend's father just passed away. I explain that I had a long day (which was true), an even longer one the following day, and that I thought it vaguely inappropriate for me to be visiting at such a time. He said "Just come by! I will take you home when you're ready. Just tell me when."
I arrived at Jack's friend's house at about 9:30. Jack and his friends are all from Africa and they're all speaking English and a little of their languages. The friend whose father passed is the host and is preparing fish for us- his guests. It's now 10:45. I am beyond tired, Jack has just said that we should go to Africa in December, and that he has the aforementioned twins' names tattooed over his heart and (supposedly jokingly) that he is going to put mine on the other side of his chest. It's time for de I to go HOME! I tell him so. He is gracious, or so he had me think. "You can't leave! In our culture, if you leave before allowing the host to serve you, it's basically like saying @%&$ you!" says my host. The others echo his sentiments and Jack stays quiet and does not move an inch. If I wasn't convinced before that moment that Jack was not the chap for me, then that comment acted as the mortar to cement my decision to officially give jack back he jacket!
Our rules for the month…
1. Go with your gut. Enough said…
2. "May be he/she'll grow on me."
This is not the framework to be working in. If you aren't interested right at the beginning there's a 98% chance you won't be. Why browbeat yourself into liking someone? You know what you like, use that as your compass.
3. "Does this person have a backbone?"
There is a difference between being reasonable, being a pushover, and pretending to be nice. Feigning "niceness" is a sure fire way to get someone into a faux comfort zone. Beware of all potential chain-ups
Friday, September 7, 2007
WE Relationships - Rules of Engagement 2: If Yuh Cyah Stand de Diggin...
by Niama S. Sandy
You know you got what I want. You know you got what I need. I need somebody to work it. Some one who knows how to flex it… "Head Gone" Krosfyah
For some, casual sex is as easy as flipping a switch to turn on the light in a room. For many others it's a harder line to draw. You think you can handle it but only after trial and dismal failure do you know for certain when you can't. There are a million and one situations that can lead to less than favorable outcomes for parties involved in what was supposed to be a strictly sexual relationship. It's one thing when it's made plain from the jump that all that will be exchanged are body fluids and someone breaks the established rules. But is a wholly different set of cards when you are hoodwinked into thinking you are involved in a non-existent relationship. Don't feel bad. It happens to the best of us. Even me!
Some time ago, I met a fella whom we shall refer to as Mike. Though Mike wasn't the most attractive of those who tried to holler that night, what he lacked in looks he made up for in swagger. Warning number one: turns out his name was not Mike at all but it was Ernest (names have been changed to protect the trifling). He claimed he screens people and so he does not tell just anyone his name. I suppose that makes sense and that I should have felt honored? We went out on a few dates, and despite his earlier shenanigans I was really digging him - but of course the other shoe had to drop. Oh and did it!
So on a Monday evening Ernest picks me up for dinner. As we're about to get out of the car, he turns to me and asks that we not hold hands in public anymore because he does not want any friends of his girlfriend (who in all prior conversations was referred to as his ex-girlfriend) to see and tell. So I looked at him and said that I hoped he realized that there was going to be a bunch of things that didn't happen anymore either - in public or otherwise.
Now had this been a situation where I was completely aware of exactly what I was getting into - not-so-ex-girlfriend and all - perhaps I would have reacted differently. The thing that bothered me was that he didn't tell me the truth. And real talk…the sex wasn't good enough for me to even consider putting up with the drama.
So, the moral of the story for those who have mastered or plan on venturing into the art of casual sex is respect your partner enough to tell the full story. Let that person decide if they want to do the dirt with knowledge of all the variables. Don't surprise people – finding out your "mate" has a "mate" when you think you're the only one is not a turn on. One could make the argument that what someone doesn't know can't hurt them, but in this world if I know one thing to be true - what is done in the dark always comes to light.
This brings us to our Rules for the month...
1. Be up front. Let your partner know exactly what he/she is getting into. Let it be clear what you want and what you are willing to give.
2. Make sure you are ready. You can swear you can deal with the consequences of your actions from now 'til people stop missing rent payments to pay down on mas costumes (which will probably never happen); but the truth is, saying it, doesn't mean anything. If you can't stand the heat, step out of the kitchen before yuh get bun!
3. Get what yuh came to get and be done. The more time you spend around your partner the more you will either dislike or like them. Neither of these things work to your advantage. Ladies and gentlemen, let the thing be what it is, don't try to make this person your new best friend.
4. Wrap it up. While all of this sex may be great, what's even greater is your health. Please use protection at all times.
You know you got what I want. You know you got what I need. I need somebody to work it. Some one who knows how to flex it… "Head Gone" Krosfyah
For some, casual sex is as easy as flipping a switch to turn on the light in a room. For many others it's a harder line to draw. You think you can handle it but only after trial and dismal failure do you know for certain when you can't. There are a million and one situations that can lead to less than favorable outcomes for parties involved in what was supposed to be a strictly sexual relationship. It's one thing when it's made plain from the jump that all that will be exchanged are body fluids and someone breaks the established rules. But is a wholly different set of cards when you are hoodwinked into thinking you are involved in a non-existent relationship. Don't feel bad. It happens to the best of us. Even me!
Some time ago, I met a fella whom we shall refer to as Mike. Though Mike wasn't the most attractive of those who tried to holler that night, what he lacked in looks he made up for in swagger. Warning number one: turns out his name was not Mike at all but it was Ernest (names have been changed to protect the trifling). He claimed he screens people and so he does not tell just anyone his name. I suppose that makes sense and that I should have felt honored? We went out on a few dates, and despite his earlier shenanigans I was really digging him - but of course the other shoe had to drop. Oh and did it!
So on a Monday evening Ernest picks me up for dinner. As we're about to get out of the car, he turns to me and asks that we not hold hands in public anymore because he does not want any friends of his girlfriend (who in all prior conversations was referred to as his ex-girlfriend) to see and tell. So I looked at him and said that I hoped he realized that there was going to be a bunch of things that didn't happen anymore either - in public or otherwise.
Now had this been a situation where I was completely aware of exactly what I was getting into - not-so-ex-girlfriend and all - perhaps I would have reacted differently. The thing that bothered me was that he didn't tell me the truth. And real talk…the sex wasn't good enough for me to even consider putting up with the drama.
So, the moral of the story for those who have mastered or plan on venturing into the art of casual sex is respect your partner enough to tell the full story. Let that person decide if they want to do the dirt with knowledge of all the variables. Don't surprise people – finding out your "mate" has a "mate" when you think you're the only one is not a turn on. One could make the argument that what someone doesn't know can't hurt them, but in this world if I know one thing to be true - what is done in the dark always comes to light.
This brings us to our Rules for the month...
1. Be up front. Let your partner know exactly what he/she is getting into. Let it be clear what you want and what you are willing to give.
2. Make sure you are ready. You can swear you can deal with the consequences of your actions from now 'til people stop missing rent payments to pay down on mas costumes (which will probably never happen); but the truth is, saying it, doesn't mean anything. If you can't stand the heat, step out of the kitchen before yuh get bun!
3. Get what yuh came to get and be done. The more time you spend around your partner the more you will either dislike or like them. Neither of these things work to your advantage. Ladies and gentlemen, let the thing be what it is, don't try to make this person your new best friend.
4. Wrap it up. While all of this sex may be great, what's even greater is your health. Please use protection at all times.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
WE Relationships - Rules of Engagement - The Beginning
By Niama Sandy
Since this is WE’s premiere issue it’s only right to write the first column about new beginnings.
On a walk down the street - or for the adventurous ones among us, on a speed dating excursion - we open doors to what could possibly be the rest of our lives. But after boy-meets-girl, the question is what next?
For many of us the next step is the stage when you don’t know if it will in fact be a relationship. This is followed by the getting-to-know-you phase, when the frequency of bouts of extreme awkwardness are matched only by the feeling that perhaps you have stumbled upon happiness everlasting…Which brings us to our first rules of engagement.
1. Know & Love Thyself
One of the most important things in life is knowledge of self: things you like, need, expect, and will accept; recognizing your strengths and weaknesses; self-awareness and your interactions with others, making sure that you are the best that you can possibly be- emotionally and physically. In order for someone to expect someone to treat you with respect you should first treat yourself with the utmost care and respect.
2. Say What You Mean & Mean What You Say
Crucial for any relationship, whether it is with an acquaintance or a romantic partner, is communication. It is extremely important to communicate who you are and what expectations and limits you may have, while also being mindful of your partner and his or her expectations. There is no point in pursuing a relationship with someone whom you have nothing in common with. Figuring out if that is the case can sometimes prove difficult but I think that all it takes is open ears and eyes.
Active listening is a really important element of communication that ought to take place in the beginning stages of your relationship. I have heard too many people – myself included- willfully ignore warning signs from a potential partner. “He said he was going to take me to dinner at 8 p.m., he ended up just coming by at 3 a.m. The same thing happened twice last week. What should I do?” RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly speaking, I understand that things come up but when a person seems to have a habit of not keeping his/her word – the best thing to do is let that person go their way while you go your own.
When you are listening to your mate…listen to them. Do not color what is said with your own perceptions - be open to what your mate is trying to share with you. Now in communicating your feelings be as clear as possible. If you mean yes, don’t say maybe. It is impossible for anyone who isn’t a part of The Psychic Friends Network to read your mind to find out exactly what you want.
3. Let Bygones Be Bygones
“Bag lady…you gon’ miss yo bus…” Check the baggage at the door. Everyone is different. What happened in your last relationship is what happened in your last relationship. This person has not done anything to hurt you, and for all intensive purposes the clean slate rule applies. Gentlemen, she is not your ex-girlfriend and she may not do what that person did to hurt you. Ladies, the same is true. Do what you need to do to ensure your emotional safety, but bear in mind that you are going to have to let your guard down if you’re really trying to get somewhere.
4. Modesty Is the Best PolicyIt’s great to have expectations but at some point there needs to be compromise. I am not advising that anyone should completely throw their “dream mate list” out the window but no one is perfect. Be flexible.
Since this is WE’s premiere issue it’s only right to write the first column about new beginnings.
On a walk down the street - or for the adventurous ones among us, on a speed dating excursion - we open doors to what could possibly be the rest of our lives. But after boy-meets-girl, the question is what next?
For many of us the next step is the stage when you don’t know if it will in fact be a relationship. This is followed by the getting-to-know-you phase, when the frequency of bouts of extreme awkwardness are matched only by the feeling that perhaps you have stumbled upon happiness everlasting…Which brings us to our first rules of engagement.
1. Know & Love Thyself
One of the most important things in life is knowledge of self: things you like, need, expect, and will accept; recognizing your strengths and weaknesses; self-awareness and your interactions with others, making sure that you are the best that you can possibly be- emotionally and physically. In order for someone to expect someone to treat you with respect you should first treat yourself with the utmost care and respect.
2. Say What You Mean & Mean What You Say
Crucial for any relationship, whether it is with an acquaintance or a romantic partner, is communication. It is extremely important to communicate who you are and what expectations and limits you may have, while also being mindful of your partner and his or her expectations. There is no point in pursuing a relationship with someone whom you have nothing in common with. Figuring out if that is the case can sometimes prove difficult but I think that all it takes is open ears and eyes.
Active listening is a really important element of communication that ought to take place in the beginning stages of your relationship. I have heard too many people – myself included- willfully ignore warning signs from a potential partner. “He said he was going to take me to dinner at 8 p.m., he ended up just coming by at 3 a.m. The same thing happened twice last week. What should I do?” RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly speaking, I understand that things come up but when a person seems to have a habit of not keeping his/her word – the best thing to do is let that person go their way while you go your own.
When you are listening to your mate…listen to them. Do not color what is said with your own perceptions - be open to what your mate is trying to share with you. Now in communicating your feelings be as clear as possible. If you mean yes, don’t say maybe. It is impossible for anyone who isn’t a part of The Psychic Friends Network to read your mind to find out exactly what you want.
3. Let Bygones Be Bygones
“Bag lady…you gon’ miss yo bus…” Check the baggage at the door. Everyone is different. What happened in your last relationship is what happened in your last relationship. This person has not done anything to hurt you, and for all intensive purposes the clean slate rule applies. Gentlemen, she is not your ex-girlfriend and she may not do what that person did to hurt you. Ladies, the same is true. Do what you need to do to ensure your emotional safety, but bear in mind that you are going to have to let your guard down if you’re really trying to get somewhere.
4. Modesty Is the Best PolicyIt’s great to have expectations but at some point there needs to be compromise. I am not advising that anyone should completely throw their “dream mate list” out the window but no one is perfect. Be flexible.
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